Classes are becoming routine and boring, and life seems like just like any other day. I have to keep the power of Christ in the forefront of my mind cause He is the only who save and keep saving me. How do I do this? How I do I live this life out, or that is how do I let Him live in and through me. I’m afraid of the consequences of these, or is it of the way to this? It seems like the means is the consequence, and the end is a distant dream. I was reminded in class today though that life is meaningless without Christ working through me.

I remember writing in my year end assignment last year, knowing what I know now, I would rather die now and get it over with, than have to live and work at this Christian life. What’s the point? I really gotta keep that in mind. The Christian life is Heaven now, on the way to Heaven, not just heaven someday. If it was heaven someday I’d just make heaven now, so I don’t have to put up with the crap that leads to heaven someday.

There’s so much to think about, there’s so much about this life to conquer, yet there is so little. If I just fully put my faith in Christ it would be so much easier, but actually taking that step is the hardest thing for me to do. Why can’t I just let go? Does God have to snatch things away for me to finally realize it is His. I *do* know it is His, I’m just like a child, holding on to that dear possession I know I have to give back.

Lord give me the strength to give it back to You. You are the only one worthy, so you’re the only one that can make me worthy.

About a week in and things are going great. The orientation weekend was really hectic, the LTS had to do everything – all the duties. It got to a point where all 16 of us were basically in the main hall cleaning and doing dishes… while a lot of time, we didn’t even finish the duties so we had to rush off to class while Karin finished our duties for us. I’ve truly gained a newfound respect for what the staff here does, and how they sacrifice their lives for us.

This is the very thing that I have been contemplating the past few days. It’s the only message taught here at Capernwray – I’ve known that for a year, but it seem to me like I’m having to learn all of it over again. Everything we learn has to do with that, in class, in our readings, and in our daily lives. Christ in you. Christ in me. How can I even respond to that? I just don’t know how it looks like, how it feels like in my heart. It would be so much easier if I were just told this is it, just do this and you’re surrendering your life to Jesus. Man I want to do it so badly, but I can’t seem to figure out where to start. It seems like I’m learning even the party line of Capernwray, though it isn’t meant to be, I know as a fact it isn’t for the people working here. It’s just me who makes it like that. How can I get over myself?

It’s sometimes encouraging to hear that even the faithful of the faithful, the biggest of the big, are struggling through it. Even Paul says that “the good I want to do I cannot, and the evil I do not want to do, I do.” I just want to follow Jesus, I’ve come to the end of myself. I’m sick of living, sick of doing things my way. It’s time that He does it through me. How does this happen? God please show me the way.

More and more I’ve also been thinking about the Philippines. It’s been on my mind a lot, but I’m afraid that it is merely another excitement, just what I want for the moment. I can’t even tell what is conviction and what isn’t anymore.

Well, day two into LTS orientation and wow, my eyes have really been opened. Chris Fordham suggested that we jot down these little notes about things that we have learned, to make sure they really do take root in our hearts… Of course that for me means a blog.

As I said my eyes are open to my ignorance, my unbelief, my sins, even after Capernwray last year. The sessions on raising the bar and keeping the focus really got me thinking more deeply about the Christian life. I think my purpose here has changed, or at least the origin of it has. The purpose is one and only one, to know Christ more. I’ve always known that, but that was all head knowledge. It took up until the second day of my second year for me to truly grasp that.

Military expert that I am, I can’t believe I missed this analogy of the soldiers in 2 Timothy. It’s so true how that works out, the discipline, the focus. It’s good too that I hear that “civilian” affairs are not bad… Those being the things you do when you’re not being a soldier. But you are not to be entangled in those civilian affairs while you are being a soldier. It’s about focus on the mission, the job, and putting that as the priority over all. A priority does not mean that something is more important, just that something deserves your current attention. As a solider in “active” service, you cancel out all of the things that are irrelevant in that active service. It doesn’t mean that those things are bad, just irrelevant to the service. How will that play out in my year here? Only God can know for sure.

Running according to the rules also had me thinking, about knowing what to do and how to play the game. I am sometimes afraid to think that no I don’t know the rules, and don’t have a conviction of what to do, but I think that’s more of knowing what to do but not wanting to do it, or just wanting to take the easy road. This is seen too in “Raising the Bar.” There’s so many rationalizations to taking the easier road… mainly that it’s simply easier, also that everyone else is doing it. I have to understand that raising the bar means preparing my heart to be inclined towards obedience to the Lord, no matter what. Lord please help me in my fears and insecurities to choose to wait on you.

What finally really struck me is the investment in people. Which may be perceived as a cost. How am I going to do this? How do I invest in those around me? Lord please show me the way. How do I influence these guys who will be around me, and to show, glorify, and only magnify God? I must invest in peoples lives knowing that there will be a harvest.

This is part of the last point too, that is reaping what you sowed. Simple enough, you’re the first to enjoy what you have sown. It’s not selfishness, or self-centredness: just merely how God has designed things, that you will enjoy the fruits of your labour. Man is that hope. The danger is, or the warning, is that you do reap what you sow. Lord please help me sow good seeds, of love and hope.

Ghar, can’t sleep… Guess I’m getting back into my West Coast time. hehe. But meh, that’s how I got started blogging, cause I couldn’t sleep.. so I guess this is how I’m gonna get the boost I need. Yeah I haven’t posted in a while.. Been.. sortoff busy, I was out camping with the family this weekend. That was cool, except for all the mosquito bites. Guess I’m to blame for it though cause I wouldn’t put on any insect repelent.

Ahh what else is new *Pause, scratch scratch*… stupid insects… I bought my tickets to come home for Christmas. December 9th, Aircanada flight… Meh I forget it. But it’s a journey, as usual. I can’t believe I’m flying Air Canada again. Westjet has no flights for the time I need to fly out, plus Air Canada has advanced seat selection for only 10 bucks. But Air Canada just sucks so bad, I’m not sure it’s worth it. Meh, what I do, I already booked the flights tho.

Yeah, I know people complain LOTS about Airliners. I’ve been into this one show, Airline, or is it Airport? But yeah, it just shows what’s happening to the airline employees. It’s pretty cool, I imagine myself in it sometimes, cause I fly so much, but I’m a very.. quiet passenger.. you know the whole asian thing, very non-confrontational.. so I’d never do anything waranting getting on tv. But it’s really cool though, sometimes I just wanna smack some of those passangers.. like. You idiots! give these guys a break. See unlike Air Canada employees, the employees on the show are actually nice to people. I love the late comers the most. The ones who get bumped off flights cause they’re like 20 minutes late. This one girl.. pretty cute, but seriously itchy.. she was cussing up this check-in guy cause she was late for her flight, which already left. I mean, yeah, I’ll give it to her that the people on the phone told her she can make a flight if she comes in at a certain time, but she really thinks that she can go through check-in security, and customs (if need be) to make her flight in 20 minutes? Really now. How stupid can you be. Why was she late for her first flight in the first place?

People have some serious issues. I mean, comon! What happened to decency, and manners.. and basic niceness.. You don’t have to treat someone like crap, hey even if it’s their fault but most of all if it’s yours. Sometimes I wish I’d been at the airport so I can smack that idiot, screaming at a flight attendant for no reason.

Meh, Air Canada’s a different story tho.. I think they take the niceness of Canadians for granted and think they can treat us like crap. After my last flight with them I swore I wouldn’t fly Air Canada again.. but yeah.. times change. But I’m still not expecting much from them. Last time I flew with them, bout 3 months ago, I somehow became a standby passenger, which meant that I was given my seat like 20 minutes before we boarded, which meant that I sat smack down in the middle of the airplane. there was a seat to my left, an aisle, then two seats… And same thing on my right.. All I wanted to do was get a drink and sleep for 4 hours.. I got the drink, but no sleep. Not only that the employees were itchy themselves… Gah, I dun even wanna… bleh.

On a more pleasant subject.. West Jet.. Yeah that’s the way to go. Ok so they’re basically.. cheap. In terms of like.. whatever, it’s like WestJet’s a Kia, while Air Canada’s a Jag.. But man, they really make up for it. When you’re a “guest” things really change. Hmm.. Ok like for example, I was coming home for Christmas break just last December. And see, there was a ferry strike in BC, so we couldn’t even leave the island where my school is. so what I ended up having to do was taking a float plane from the island to Vancouver Airport. It was a 15 minute flight, and we were at Vancouver International at like… 8AM.. Problem is my flight wasn’t till 9PM that night. Yeh. And ofcourse I had ALOT of stuff with me, plus I’m being seriously stingy, what having spent most of my savings and all. So I really couldn’t do much anything else but sit at the airport and wait. Ok so well I did have some friends with me, but yeah, that was about it. We were all stuck for 12 hours. Well after about 5 hours or so of waiting, I was like.. screw it, I’m going to the counter to see if I can change my flight. See this is a problem cause I bought my ticket on a seat sale.. so my ticket was actually 50 bucks cheaper than it would have been if I bought it a regular price when I bought it, and it was actually like 150 bucks cheaper if I had bought it on regular price right then. So I was looking at minimum 50 dollars plus 25 service charge… Max 175. Remember what I said about being stingy? But hey guess what. the lady at the counter doesn’t even charge me the 25 dollar service charge.. I was a standby passenger but I still got a window seat.. And to top it all off, I was home at 11PM that night, istead of 6AM the next day like I originally planned.. See they’re awesome. But that’s not all…

Now going back to school after Christmas Break, here’s what happened. I was early for my flight liek I usually am.. it was like.. an hour before my flight. But the line was massive. See WestJet has no status yet in Toronto, so they have like 4 dinky counters while Air Canada gets their own terminal. But anyway.. The line was looong. It was just the holiday rush I guess, plus I think it was snowing. So yeah, alot of people were delayed and stuff.. Plus I think one of their flight was cancelled to. So generally it was just a screwed up day altogether. But yeah, the line was so long I finally get to the counter 5 minutes before my flight was scheduled to depart. And you that would be such a messed up situation, but not for WestJet… back to the super niceness, decent people who treat me like a guest, they put me on another flight quick, which actually arrives in Vancouver earlier than my original flight. Again no charge no hassle… the lady did it with a smile. I was like freaking out tho cause there was like 20 minutes before that flight left, and I still had to go through security and run my butt down to the faar dinky gates that Toronto Person gives WestJet.. but guess again… the gate I was suppsoed to be at was right behind the security check. I got in with just enuf time to buy some Tim Hortons, and be like the 2nd last person to get in the plane.

If that line that they had was handled by Air Canada, it woulda taken me 4 hours to get through. But not West Jet…

Meh, enuf with singing their praises… After all I *am* flying another airline. But no worries, WestJet, I still got lots of flights ahead of me.. I’ll be back soon enuf.

Peace.