About a week in and things are going great. The orientation weekend was really hectic, the LTS had to do everything – all the duties. It got to a point where all 16 of us were basically in the main hall cleaning and doing dishes… while a lot of time, we didn’t even finish the duties so we had to rush off to class while Karin finished our duties for us. I’ve truly gained a newfound respect for what the staff here does, and how they sacrifice their lives for us.
This is the very thing that I have been contemplating the past few days. It’s the only message taught here at Capernwray – I’ve known that for a year, but it seem to me like I’m having to learn all of it over again. Everything we learn has to do with that, in class, in our readings, and in our daily lives. Christ in you. Christ in me. How can I even respond to that? I just don’t know how it looks like, how it feels like in my heart. It would be so much easier if I were just told this is it, just do this and you’re surrendering your life to Jesus. Man I want to do it so badly, but I can’t seem to figure out where to start. It seems like I’m learning even the party line of Capernwray, though it isn’t meant to be, I know as a fact it isn’t for the people working here. It’s just me who makes it like that. How can I get over myself?
It’s sometimes encouraging to hear that even the faithful of the faithful, the biggest of the big, are struggling through it. Even Paul says that “the good I want to do I cannot, and the evil I do not want to do, I do.” I just want to follow Jesus, I’ve come to the end of myself. I’m sick of living, sick of doing things my way. It’s time that He does it through me. How does this happen? God please show me the way.
More and more I’ve also been thinking about the Philippines. It’s been on my mind a lot, but I’m afraid that it is merely another excitement, just what I want for the moment. I can’t even tell what is conviction and what isn’t anymore.