I know what to do, but I just can’t. What’s the matter? Paul has this problem himself, the good that I want to do I don’t, and the bad that I don’t want to do, I do. What’s wrong with me? Sometimes I just feel like life is circling out of control. But why do I need this control? I know what to say, even to myself, but doing something inside is another matter in itself. It’s like what Katie said at Devo… what? You gotta die over and over again? Some irony there. Man I really want to, but the flesh is really battling it. Who wants to die? To cease to exist. I fully understand it, and sometimes there’s a serious temptation just to give in to it. I mean is it really gonna hurt that much?

The battle in me, but I know it’s faith and hope that’s keeping me going. But am I being too presumptuous with God? It’s like I’m putting Him to the test, like… I’m doing this, God so something better come out of it. Come to think of it I really don’t know of how it feels. Or man I don’t know. When was the last time I felt so good? So much joy and peace in God? Actually it was really recent… More recent than I care to think, but it seems like I’m just holding on to some false feeling, false hope.. but that’s exactly what hope is, the assurance of things to come. Assurance. Yeah I am sure. I know I’m sure that God can do something out of this. I know that He can make sense of things, why can’t I act accordingly?

Reading Hudson Taylor’s secret was a good experience, hearing that God has been revealing the truth of the Saving Life of Christ to others, not just what it seems like – Charlie and Lawrence and all of Capernwray. How can the world miss this message? It is understandable, seeing how Hudson Taylor missed the message himself for the better part of his life. He lived a life of trust and faith in God, but doing it in his own power. He was strong spiritually, practiced his faith, and God used him and blessed him for this. But still he did it under his own strength, and he often found himself burnt out.

In the book I was reminded of the importance of rest: of ceasing my own activity and allowing God to do his:

“But how to get faith strengthened? Not by striving after faith, but by resting on the Faithful One.” As I read I saw it all! “If we believe not… he abideth faithful” (2 Timothy 2:13). I looked to Jesus and saw (and when I saw oh how joy flowed!). “Ah, there is rest!” I thought. :U have striven in vain to rest in Him. I’ll strive no more. For has He not promised to abide with me – never to leave me, never to fail me?” And, dearie, He never will! (261)

Such a strong message… And amazing revelation from God… (From book report) He (Hudson Taylor) has realized rest in Christ! He has now found the One who will “work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure” (Philippians 2:13).

This revelation immediately began to transform Hudson Taylor’s life. It also came just in time as soon after, he would find a crisis in his life that would otherwise have been hard to bear… he lost his wife and another child… this part of his life was described: “if ever the reality of the power of Christ to meet the heart’s deepest need was put to the test of experience, it was in this life, swept clean of all that had been its earthly comfort – wife, children, home, health to a large extent and left amid the responsibility of such a mission and such a crisis, far away in china (273). But Hudson Taylor believed in the comfort found in Christ, this allowed to write: “My heart is overwhelmed with gratitude and praise. My eyes flow with tears of mingled joy and sorrow. My tears are more tears of joy than sorrow. But most of all, I joy in God through our Lord Jesus Christ” (274). Who else could say such things in such circumstances but a man filled with the fullness – the satisfaction of Christ…

(Closing the report) Hudson Taylr became available to the Lord and allowed Him to work through him. This was the antem of his life. Even at his lowest moments, he was satisfied, because Jesus was his satisfaction. Not his own strength. He realized the true meaning of rest: “One of the happiest periods of my life was that period of forced inactivity when one could do nothing but ‘rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him’ (Psalms 37:7) and see Him meeting all one’s need” (315). Hudson Taylor realized that true rest meant stopping his own activity to allow God to begin His. “Cease striving and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10). And the result of this is that He will “do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us” (Ephesians 3:20). Why> So that “to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generation forever and ever” (Ephesians 3:21). AMEN!

Christ’s sufficiency, His grace love and mercy. How wonderful are these things? Living in rest – living in the land of Canaan, in God’s satisfaction takes practice – it takes learning. We need to work it out “in the closet” with God, in the quietness of our hearts, and then present to the world (tho we may be accused to “faking it”) a life that is satisfied. The thing is, it isn’t actually faking it, because even during a “bad day”, putting on a smile is indicative of our faith in Christ. That Christ can, Christ has done, and Christ will do. Amen.

It’s so easy to lean on my own strength. And I am strong – I can put a lot of weight on myself. This summer, I see this really evident in my life, as God allowed me this opportunity to lead staff at work. It became about me, my abilities and my work; it was about how well I could lead my staff in making the best camp program. And I can’t help but think that we’ve failed. It’s scary to think about going back to that place. It’s so much more secure here in Christ’s assurance, His leading. I guess it’s easy to do that when things are getting too hard.

I thought seminars were going to be one of the easier things that I would do this year. I certainly didn’t think it to be anything like it now is. The task seems daunting when you really think about what is at stake: people learning of the truth, of Christ. But then this is how it is everyday isn’t it? The testimony of Christ relies on you.. That is on your availability to Him who can do the work. Lord help me make You the only source in my life, help me not lean on myself for anything that I do.

I seem to be getting some confirmation about going back to the Philippines. I might ask Charlie soon to introduce me to the director of the centre there. This March break thing is a really good idea too. I would love to visit there even just for a few short weeks, but my problem is finding the money to go. I can ask my parents, but I’m sure they have lots to worry about. This is something I really want to do on my own. I need to learn to discipline my spending, God please help me in this.

What does practicing my faith means? I have this conviction sometimes about talking to some people who seem to be alone. It feels like I have such a hindrance though, I dunno what to say, I’m not much on conversations. Could this be something I could do to practice my faith. Faith that what? God will help me through even this small conversation I’m having with someone. It is true what Lawrence says, that we believe God is big enough in the things we’re too small to do anything about. But when it comes to something that we can even seemingly accomplish on our own, we start to think that God doesn’t really care about such a small situation, or that God really isn’t necessary there. God is necessary in everything. He is the only one who can do, that will actually work. I know this. I just need to live it, to actually practice. Lord I know I can’t but I also know you can and You do. Please do.

This faith thing is really new to me it seems. I’m so capable on my own, it’s so hard to let go.

Man, well God has been showing me so much since I’ve been back. There definitely is a difference about being an LTS: much more is expected from you, not just by the staff, but I expect a lot from myself as well. I’m learning to really let go, and practice my faith in Christ, as I’m faced with situations that I may not be that comfortable with, One thing that God has been helping me with greatly is in my cabin, where I am actually the youngest, so it’s really easy to hide behind my title as LTS, as opposed to being able to be a leader through influence, and with Christ living in and through me. God has blessed me though, and He has already given me the right words to say to my cabin, and has been helping me stay focused and disciplined about things like duties and even simple things like keeping my corner tidy, and making my bed every morning.

Before I came here, I thought that I would really resent having to wake up so early in the morning, and having to do the duties I was “lucky” enough not to have done last and things like that. But right from the beginning, He has really just planted this awesome joy in my heart, and has given me the desire to really serve those around me. Praise Him!